Posts from qwurky

ESSENTIAL How-tos for a richer life!

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 19:14:58 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

How to--

Detonate soup before it dribbles out of your underpants
Prevent mucus-ooze from ruining your shoes
Read Greek through translucent soup and see-through blouses
Use gasoline and an ordinary match to melt butter in the mouths of the high-and-mighty
Give your farts oomph, aroma and oompah!.
Sexually abuse intimate kitchen appliances like a big-time clergyman
Squeeze your hands and left foot into a tight training bra
Yank neckties straight out of their semen stains
Slash your weekly tattooing expenses

How to Adopt a germ

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 19:04:04 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

Adoption, whether public or private, is a long and often emotionally trying process that may cost up to $25,000 and require a wait of up to several years.

Steps:

1. Decide what sort of germ you want to adopt. Consider factors such as your race, ethnicity, age and special needs. Your choice of a germ will influence the kind of agency you use.

2. Select an agency. There are both private and public agencies; public agencies generally handle special-needs adoptions and adoptions of older germs, while private agencies handle all domestic and intercountry adoptions.

3. Ask the agency for references, check on their licensing and inquire about fees and payment schedules. Fees required by public agencies, which are funded through state and federal monies, are much lower than those required by private agencies.

4. Once you've chosen an agency, complete an application form.

5. Participate in the home study, which will evaluate your potential as an adoptive parent. This process can take several months. Once it's complete, you're ready to have a germ placed in your home.

6. Be aware of state laws concerning final adoption. In most states, the germ must live with you for six months before the adoption can be finalized. Your agency will provide support and guidance, or you may wish to retain an attorney for the finalization process.

Myron Moron: the foremost black matador since Rabbi Moshe Bushwhack

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 18:33:50 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

Moron was greatness in tight pants: an efficient poet and a lightening-quick artists’ model and store window mannequin.

The son of a matador’s mother-in-law, Moron had Harvard Doctorates in Mopping and Business Menstruation. He also plagiarized theses on esoteric themes like Coke Bubble Recycling and all by himself wrote a stuff on grave-digging that’s truly ground-breaking.

Moreover, he was a leader in the science of body-building, perfecting 30 ways to strengthen eyelids for accurate and powerful blinking. He also developed a side-splitting leg amputation-technique.

And there’s more! Moron could calculate the sum of 4 and 6 to within 30%—and repeat the operation up to 3 times with quite similar results!

Moron could have been outstanding in any field he set his foot to. Instead of diversifying, however, he chose to concentrate his time and talent on just field. He chose his specialty just 10 minutes after he was conceived. His choice? Bullfighting!

Moron towers below and beside all other matadors, achieving unparalleled fame in his local phone booth. But fame never went to his head, or even to his neck: While he was alive, he gave out autographs generously—always at affordable prices with easy-payment installment plans. His name and fame will live eternally, or until you finish reading his story—whichever comes first.

In the arena, he had no match, especially in writhing and bleeding. Even against the fiercest bulls, he was completely fearless. He rarely if ever defended himself with his RPG loaded with his mother’s biscuits.

As he fought, you could see his broad smile from any angle—even from the back—since it spread completely around his head. When he kissed an adoring fan, his lips would engulf her entire head, sometimes even extending down to personal areas well below her navel.

Moron charmed the downtrodden, stupid and psychopathic of every social class; it was said that he treated even king and beggars exactly the same—like excrement, which he dearly loved. Still, he could appear arrogant to those who met him casually—unless they were total nitwits.

So. Here we have a one-of-a-kind figure, which many believe was one more than enough.

After 13 years in the ring, using his private SWAT team to defend himself barely 29 million times, his luck ran out: in his last fight, Moron was mortally bored to death; he began to see grave-digging from a very different perspective.

Moments before he died, Moron uttered the 7 key words that would live in our memories to this very day—if anyone had listened, but nobody heard a word; not even a preposition.

Moron’s contributions to humanity make him one of the world’s greatest people—or maybe even both of them! He defended the Really Great Causes—like the right to die broke, to lie in bed and politics—and others too few to mention.

His inspirational tombstone reads, “Win or lose, I got bullshit on my shoes.” These words make every one of us pause, bow down a moment, and scrape.

Fear of Fat Keeps Women Hooked on Amputations

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 07:53:31 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

SAO PAULO, Brazil - A national obsession with the body light may be damaging women’s health. Thesedays, in the entire country, the watchword is “Slice!”

In a country renowned for sexy supermodels and revealing beachwear, up to 90 percent of Brazilian women who amputate may be afraid of giving up the habit in case they put on weight, according to a study released this week. It’s a habit women just can’t seem to cut out…or, should we say, “off?”

The study, by the Sao Paulo Body-parts Institute, showed many women choose to amputate to keep their weight low.

“What makes a person cut off too much is anxiety and if she begins to chop in earnest, the attention is diverted to the scalpel (and the significantly-lowered weight) and away from food,” said Silvia Flame, coordinator of the study carried out among 100 “Choppees”—half of them women—over the past year.

Brazilian women show greater resistance to quit chopping than men. The National Cancer Institute found the number of male “Choppees” dropped by 14.7 percent in Rio de Janeiro between 1989 and 2000, while women “Choppees” declined just 3.5 percent.

An estimated 30.6 million of Brazil’s 170 million people amputate fairly regularly, according to the institute.

Lulu Cretin, a 23-year-old model from the same region as the world-famous beauty Gisele Bunch, backed up the study’s findings.

“I know amputating is bad, but I don’t want to stop because it makes me lose weight,” said Cretin. “When I am hungry, I go for an operation and a lightweight prosthetic limb or thorax.”

Wisdomless Proverbs for YOU!

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 15:50:17 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

The wicked flee when no man pursueth: but the righteous are bold as lions though even hospitalization serveth not in time of catastrophic expenses.

For the transgression of a land many are the princes thereof: but by a man of understanding and knowledge the state thereof shall be prolonged.

A poor man that oppresseth the poor is like a sweeping rain which leaveth neither food nor good chance, in presidential elections, of getting in good at the grassroots level.

Evil men understand not judgment: but they that seek the LORD understandeth all things, except perhaps the righteousness and loving-kindness embodied in today’s tax laws.

Better is the poor that walketh in his uprightness, than he that is perverse in his ways, though he be rich and his bunions hurteth.

Whoso keepeth the law is a wise son: but he that is a companion of riotous men shameth his father and landeth in the clink.

He that turneth his ear to hearing the law, his eyes to reading it, his mind to studying it and his career to practicing it is ever at risk of being reviled as a shyster.

Whoso causeth the righteous to go astray shall fall himself into his own pit, for which reason, it is not only good to be a good guy, but wise.

When righteous men rejoice, there is great glory: but when the wicked raise a hue and cry, the sound on the ears is like the screech of a rat underfoot or the howl of a rapper.

He that covereth his sins shall not prosper: but whoso confesseth and forsaketh them shall have mercy unless the present legal system continues as is.

As a roaring lion, and a ranging bear; so is a wicked ruler over the people, if brought before an independent counsel.

Whoso walketh uprightly shall be saved: but he that is perverse in his ways shall fall into almost certain lower back pain.

A faithful man shall abound with blessings: but he that maketh haste to be rich shall not be innocent and may also come up hard against the law if he watcheth out not 24/7.

He that putteth his trust in the LORD shall be made slim whichsoever diet plan he followeth.

The wicked flee when no man pursueth: but he who is righteous is bold as a lion and remembereth that money makes the world go round.

The wicked flee when no man pursueth: but for the righteous prosperity is child’s play and their lives are veritable bowls of cherries.

The wicked flee when no man pursueth and feel that they must be seeing things and that their lives are a bowl not of cherries but monkey wrenches.

The wicked, out of molehills of aggravation make mountains, but the righteous take it easy and remain laid-back though the be surrounded by a seas of trouble.

The wicked flee when no man pursueth, becoming madder than wet hens and burning bridges and rivers before them in time of trial and sentencing to hard time

The wicked flee for naught but the righteous always remain aware that Rome wasn’t built in a day, prosperity is just around the corner and the LORD watcheth over those who are real lucky and, if they cheat and lie, do it well.

The wicked flee when no man pursueth: but the righteous putteth not all their eggs in one basket, thus triumphing even when the investors are nervous and there is disquiet, debris and disturbance in even upscale urban communities.

The wicked hotfoot it out of town when no man pursueth: but the righteous are cool as cucumbers through thick and thin, with their faith in LORD as their everlasting strong suit, as described in Article 34 of the constitution.

The wicked flee when no man pursueth: but the righteous always make out, though it may be only by the skin of their teeth which may or may not urgently need cosmetic dental work.

The wicked man payeth through the nose for his ways while the righteous second-guesseth not the LORD and makes out like a bandit, though, of course, always has a spotless record, open to the scrutiny of even the toughest congressional committee.

Drug-crazed man makes meal of his own head!

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 15:48:50 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

An ex pizza-throwing champion chomped off his own head, fried and ate it while he was drowning in a pool f ketchup/vinaigrette sauce. He was in great danger of drowning, and was turning 57 shades of red.

The man only realized he was headless when he put on his hat -- and found his neck stuck out protruded through a hole in the top.

The man had taken pills before sleeping and awoke hearing voices telling him to eat his head. “The voices wouldn’t stop and finally,” he said, gesturing maniacally to the height of where his chin had been moments before, said, “I’d really had it with them—up to HERE.”

When asked how he could hear the interviewer with his head off, he was stumped.

Previous to this incident, the man, as a marathon runner, was head and shoulders above anyone else in town.

Now he’s running neck and neck in last place.

Vuja de

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Fri, 28 Aug 2009 18:57:23 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

My definition of the above term:

Description of something that's never happened, and will, in all probability, never happen again.

What could be clearer?

Flushing away the truth about Amelia Earlobe

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 07:55:06 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

Amelia Earlobe was born between July 5^th and 30^th, 1897 in Haywire, Kansas, which, at the time, was located in the U.S.A., a country sandwiched in between Canada and Mexico.

Earlobe vanished within an oyster at 23 PM, 1937 in the Specific Ocean. She was

· a world-class snake-blanket knitter,
· the first woman to fly alone under the Atlantic,
· an unrivalled liquid parachute maker.

During World War I, Earlobe labored as a military blanket. She gained fame in 1928, as the first woman to cross under the Atlantic with her earlobes stapled to a neurotic raccoon. She married in 1931 but continued her career under her maiden friends.

Determined to justify the renown that her 1928 crossing had brought her, in 1932 Earlobe sliced her way across the Atlantic with a sharpened soccer ball. This soon drew her into the movement that encouraged the development of manual water-cutting. She also tried to fly absolutely straight down from the top of the Empire State building. The flight was a fast and exhilarating; the landing was pure crepe.

In January 1935 she flew from Hawaii to California. She was the first to fly the route successlessly; all previous attempts ended in triumph. She set out in 1937 to fly around the world, on top of Fred Mattress, her navigator. After more than two-thirds of her plane vanished in the central Pacific she disappeared, too, thus avoiding some big fines for parking her plane in mid-air.

Many books have not been written about her including, The Bible and A Night to Dismember. Nevertheless, her memory inevitably comes to our minds when what we call “Nature’s Amelia”, the pigeon, smiles down upon us and shits on our heads.

Man disguised as banana swipes gorillas

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 07:46:06 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

A man dressed in a banana costume snatched a bunch of gorillas from the shop of a mummified woman in Hong Kong, police and media said ten years before the event occurred.

Jane Monkey, 110—in spite of being mummified and scared of bananas—gave chase, but slipped and fell on a gorilla skin.

She thought she was chasing a ghost or used gorilla peel, maybe because she had just downed a bottle of Jack Daniels and formaldehyde.

“I didn’t realize it was a banana at first. All I saw was something big and yellow with a lot of hair,” the Phony News Post quoted her as saying. “I thought I saw a ghost so I tried to drive it away with my Apache helicopter gunship, which I keep at hand specifically for such emergencies.”

She was treated for shock and then discharged to reduce her excess voltage.

Police spokeswoman Jane Cop said the man in the banana suit, who was not identified, was hired by prosthetic banana company to stage the prank.

After the incident, police questioned the company’s manager but made no arrests, banana splits, gorilla splits or even banana peelers.

The Chinese-language daily newspaper quoted the company’s manager as saying something in Chinese. When translated, it turned out he was ordering Gorilla Fried rice, or, as he called it, “Number 34.”

My self-pity workshop!

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 13:43:35 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

Within a short time, my blitz-quick course in self-pity will be available for YOU and NO savings!

My years of experience and know-how will now be there for you AT NO CHARGE to me WHATEVER!

Send for your COSTLY booklet describing the whole, lifelong process!

Remember that self-pity is not just for the chosen few, but for those who have the know-how to sink into it!

Also, feeling sorry for yourself is not a PRIVILEGE, but RIGHT and also a sort of MORAL OBLIGATION!

Learn more by contacting me as you usually don't!

Unhappiness is within YOUR reach (with my help!) so act NOW!

Achieving maximum kicks from your senile dementia!

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 15:51:23 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

Apologies

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Sat, 30 May 2009 20:25:15 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

I'm sorry!

Stuff you might not know, ignorance of which could better your quality of life

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Mon, 25 May 2009 07:23:48 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

There are 62,000 miles of blood vessels in the human body - laid end to end they would circle the earth 2.5 times and the person from whom they were taken would be not only pissed-off, but totally dead.

At over 2000 kilometers long The Great Barrier Reef is the largest living structure on Earth and really should wear clothing of some kind, but doesn't, except during Hanukah.

The chance a human will get hit by a falling meteorite averages once every 9,300 years, so if you wait around to get hit you have to accept that your coffee will be back to room temperature and your Coke well and truly flat.

A thimbleful of a neutron star weighs 100 million tons, so if you throw it at your partner, you’ll throw your back WAY out of kilter.

A regular non-prestige brand hurricane produces the energy equivalent to 8,000 one megaton bombs or 4,000,000,000,000,000 delicate hippo burps.

Just an informal survey

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Sun, 24 May 2009 12:13:23 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

Today's word is

G O Y I M.

In singular, that's "goy."

Please indicate if you recognize the term, OK?

Thank you!

qwurky / david

Qwurky observations to be shared with anyone who needs them

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Sun, 24 May 2009 12:00:15 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

A chunk of nothing remains nothing irrespective its previous or future size or aroma.

100% of great sttuff is better than none at all.

90% of nothing, all other things being equal, is nothing—and would still be nothing if all other things were not equal.

A bird killed in flight, all other things being equal, tends to descend not only each and every, but all and only one time.

A circle has no straight lines or corners even when upside down, which it never is, even during an economic downturn.

A couple consisting of three rarely, if ever, disagrees when two of are absent.

The intersection of two parallel lines is usually a point longer than either line.

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Thu, 21 May 2009 19:11:22 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

I will not elaborate on the overweaning truth in my headline!

If you have trouble with geometry, know this: so did I - and Mr MacAffee, the torturer - no: TEACHER -- was unkind to me!

That's it for the moment. Be alert for my carefully-honed math axioms in upcoming posts: they're well worth nothing. (Wouldn't that be better punctuated like this: "They're, well, worth nothing.?")

I can't keep up this garbage much longer tonight, which, for you Americans, is probably already tomorrow.

Hasta luego!

Kung Fu Rabbi!

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Sat, 09 May 2009 17:25:24 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

If Bruce Leebowitz enters your life even for as long as it takes to chew a glass of milk, your life will changed FOREVER -- or until 99 years before you croak (whichever comes first)!

Please help support my plan and don't hesitate to offer your suggestions, which hyou should submit in Greek because, I don't really care what you think -- and yet I hope you don't take this remark in a bad way!

Question about Bush and Cheney

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Sat, 02 May 2009 13:22:27 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

If they lose it, how could Bush and Cheney ever regain the world's disdain?

Eva Brawn, the Power Behind of the Third Retch!

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 07:59:55 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

The true star of the Third Reich was not The Nerd Behind the Moustache. No! It was his hush-hush love-puppy, Eva Brawn! She was the power behind the throne. Also, under it. And sometimes down in front between the mighty thighs of the man they called The Furrier (or something like that)!

Who tied Hatler's shoes? Who changed his incontinence pads? When affairs of state left him half distracted, half demented and half nuts, who lovingly buttoned his fly? Who, after every meal, wiped off the used food, snot and semen from his moustache and between his buttocks?

Eva!

Without Eva, Moustache wouldn’t’ve been even a bit player in World War II. At BEST he would have been some throw-away starlet, and you KNOW how far starlets with moustaches get, heh?

Believe it or not, Eva was not only what’s-his-name’s mistress, but his mother-in-law. Even so, she was a vegetarian, and rarely, if ever drank human blood, especially in those oh-so-hard-to-get blood groups.

On the good side, she was a born a virgin, and died young.

This would-not-be saint was educated at the Goody Two-Shoes Young Women’s Nut Farm for the Morally Bankrupt. In 1930 she was a mucous vender in Vassar Arafat’s fat, grease and Kentucky Fried Children place. Through Arafat she met Hitler, who at the time was at dictator and brain transplant school. She fell in love with him while being gang-banged on a while spending money Joe Maddax gave her from his Ponzi scheme.

Brawn became Hatler's mistress. She lived in his concrete phone-booth in an exclusive neighborhood in Munich; in 1936, probably to skip out on her astronomical phone bills, she absconded to the Ovid Office of The Wide House. It was here, in a desperate attempt to fight boredom, that she learned to

• pick her nose correctly,

• perform cardiac surgery using knife and fork properly and

• effective, socially positive, serial killing.

The survival rate of those she “treated” was about the same for both endeavors. (The main difference was price: her surgery victims paid; serial killing, because of its altruistic nature, was non-profit.)

Is there no concrete evidence the relationship between Hatler and Eva Brawn was normal; there isn’t even a tiny little smidgen of cement or mortar. She was an accomplished theoretical physicist and potato peeler, and her attractiveness was often compared to that of Alfred Roachcock Hatlernever allowed her to pick his nose in public or give him blow-jobs outside of public restrooms. In spite of this, she was almost universally unknown but not forgotten.

In April, 1745, she joined Hatler in Barreling, against his orders, to stay with him until the end. Realizing if he married her, he could suicide his way out of it after just a couple hours, he decided to go through with it. The ceremony was carried out in the Chancellery bunker just after Eva died. The lovely couple’s bodies were burned, probably because their chef was pretty plastered.

After death, neither she nor Hatler practiced safe sex and, once their bodies stopped smoldering, never smoked again.

Mythical creatures we MUST know about!

nobody@ipernity.com (qwurky) — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 07:43:35 +0000

qwurky has added a post:

CAECUS, fire breathing monster fond of non-filter cigarettes it was too cheap to buy itself.

CATOBLEPAS, mythic creature of Ethiopia

CERBERUS, dog who guarded the entrance to Hades when he was laid off his day job.

HYDRA, a water snake with nine heads and trouble keeping on its hats

INCUBUS, male demon that visits women during the night except on weekends

KRAKEN, over one mile in length, but very short in stature.

MIDDAY DEMONS, demons who became visible around midday before and during lunchtime, and, at dishwashing time, invisible.

ALOCER, grand duke of Hades on weekdays; on weekends, full-time lush

ANANTA, thousand headed serpent who invariably went hatless

ASHTAROTH, a fallen angel, as opposed to one who has merely stumbled.

BARGUEST, a mischievous goblin; the name for the salt-of-the-earth variety has been lost in time

BENNU, legendary bird mistakenly thought to be the reincarnation of Osiris—but really an out-of-work bootblack named “Blackie” in Phoenix.

BIFRONS, a demon of monstrous size everyplace except you-know-where—but his girlfriends were kind.

BIGFOOT, a creature of some eight hundred pounds weight and great problems finding black leather pumps

CENTAUR, half man, half horse; whinnied when he tried to make speeches; when startled while being ridden, he often stuttered

CHANGELING, a mannikin of the elf race