Album California from honeyj

Suburban Bloodshed

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Mon, 27 Jul 2026 20:29:58 +0000

honeyj has posted:

This is it, men. The final battle.
We're ready, sir!
You'll have to call on all of your training to survive.
We will, sir!
Nobody be a hero. We're in this together. Got it? This is my last test, and I want to go out on top!
You will sir!
For you rookies, these bake sales can be extremely intense. A madhouse! Be strong!
Sir! We'll make our quota sir!
And one final thing: keep your damn hands off the chocolate frosting! No exceptions! Do you read me?
Yes sir! No frosting sir!

G-Force

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Wed, 01 Jul 2026 05:00:17 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Base to probe: are you ready for take-off?
We're strapped in and set to go, base.
We're starting the countdown now. 10-9-8. . .
Ah, base? Question.
What is it Carl? 7-6. . .
Well, I'm looking up, and, uh, well, I don't think the roof is open.
5-4. . What? Not open? That's impossible! You'll crash and be incinerated!
Roger that, Mr. Obvious. Can you open it please?
3-2. . . Right away, Carl. Don't worry. Just gotta find the remote.
1.0. . .
Those things get lost all the time, don't they?
Ha Ha! Tell me about it, Carl.
Carl? Hello?

The Deep End

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sun, 14 Jun 2026 15:44:55 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Ok class, let's start today's swim lesson.
What are we doing today, teacher? More dog paddling?
No. You're going into the deep end of the pool. I suggest you watch out for a few things.
What's that?
Chunks of cement and rusty rebar. Very sharp.
That sounds bad.
It is. Although not as bad as the remains of last year's class.

The Digital Age

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 18:06:01 +0000

honeyj has posted:

What are we doing here, Lou?
We're waiting for the shipment.
Here?
It'll cruise right under that bridge.
And then what?
They'll send a signal.
How?
Over the radio.
What radio?
The one in your. . . where's the radio? I told you to grab it!
That thing was a radio? I thought you meant bring the lunch!
Lunch? The damn radio is still in the car? Are you shitting me?
Look! I made tuna and green onions. Just the way you like it! Cookies too. see?
Gimme that! Now go get the damn radio.
Just don't eat it all, ok?
Get going, doofus! We miss the shipment, you'll be worrying about more than a tuna sandwich.
Ok, but at least leave me a cookie.
Go!
Cookie?
Ok! Jesus!
Awesome.

Zen Blaster

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sat, 06 Jun 2026 19:48:15 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Stanley, there's someone at the door. Could it be the gardeners?
I'll get it Edna. It's not the gardeners.
Then who is it?
Actually, it's the oil company guys. They made me an offer I couldn't refuse.
Offer? What kind of offer?
They want to drill in our back yard.
Drill? You mean, for oil?
Yes, dear. They promised to be very careful. They'll even try not to destroy the Japanese temple. Too much.
Stanley! You turned our garden into an oil field? That's. . . horrible!
But Edna, our mineral rights are worth a fortune! And they'll only be drilling for 9 or 10 years. You'll hardly notice!
Well, if you think it's for the best, Stanley.
Trust me, Edna. It is.
Can I still take my morning dip in the pond?
Of course! I suggest you wear a hazmat suit, though. That oil scum can be tricky to wash off.

Product Placement

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Fri, 08 May 2026 17:54:59 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Any news, Perkins?
Nothing's gone in or come out, sir.
How about on the radio?
No word yet. Wait a minute! I'm getting something!
What is it?
Oh my god! it's the most awful screaming! it sounds like manic banshees from hell!
Great! The product run-out is a smash!
Product?
They found the new double-stuffed chocolate cookies! They're killing themselves over them!
And that's. . . good?
We've got a hit, Perkins. Good work. The board will go ape. There might even be a promotion in it for you. Maybe.
What about the. . . er, casualties, sir?
What about them? Stay in your lane, Perkins.
Yes, sir. Of course, sir.

None Shall Pass

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sun, 26 Apr 2026 17:17:24 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Excuse me, sir. Is this the way to get into the bay? We might want to tie up and do some shopping.
None shall pass.
Er, what? What do you mean?
None shall pass.
I don't really understand what you're trying to say.
None shall pass.
Say, I notice you have no arms or legs.
What of it?
Oh, I dunno. Just thought maybe I'd seen you somewhere before.
You think? What'd you say your name is?
l am Arthur, King of the. . .
Never hearda ya.
Yes of course. Must have been somebody else.
None shall. . . I mean, yeah, must have been.

Fish or Cut Bait

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Tue, 14 Apr 2026 04:24:45 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Any luck?
So-so.
What are you using for bait?
My ex-partner.
Your. . . what?
He was a crook. Got what was coming to him. Now he's fish food.
I see.
It won't take long for me to get a nibble.
You seem pretty sure of that.
Oh yeah. Caught a lot of fish with my last partner.
That is so good to know.

Cheap Motel

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Tue, 07 Apr 2026 21:32:43 +0000

honeyj has posted:

I'd like a room please.
A room? I'm not sure I understand.
I been on the road. I'm tired. I need a room. Got it?
I see, however, we don't have any, er, rooms, for use by the public.
Hey! You sayin' I need a reservation? Well reserve this!
Sir! Please put that away. There's no need for. . . violence.
Good. I need clean sheets and quiet. Can you manage that?
I'll see to it, sir.
And send a 6-pack around.
Very good, sir.
Nice and cold.
Of course.

Wild Life

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sun, 08 Mar 2026 19:32:15 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Where are you going?
Nowhere. And everywhere.
What do you mean?
I walk the earth.
I sometimes do too, but usually to get somewhere.
Besides, I don't have a car.
Ok, well, call me when you get. . . wherever.
You want to just drive me?
Hop in. Where to?
Actually, I thought you might know.

Fallout

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sun, 24 May 2020 22:33:39 +0000

honeyj has posted:

dude! heard those warnings? better take cover.
what warnings?
could be a missile attack! we gotta get to the bunker! they may be using nukes!
but I'm not done sorting the cannon balls!
forget the damn cannon balls, man! we could get fried standing around out here!
that does it! I'm gonna prime the 32-pounder. they won't know what hit 'em.
are you listening? a 32-pound cannon ain't gonna stop a damn missile!
there's that word again. what's a missile? and. . . . nukes?
are you, like, new here?
hmm. could be hand-to-hand fighting. better sharpen my bayonet.
your what?
you got any extra musket powder? can't be too prepared, you know.

Been Down So Long

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Wed, 28 Aug 2019 03:37:36 +0000

honeyj has posted:

hey, curtis, how goes it?
life in the big city, man. you know how it is.
I do. it's tough.
but listen: I'm getting a new shipment of armaments next week.
great! the battlements been lookin' a little bare lately.
seems to me, it's time to collect some docking fees.
you know those big boys are not gonna like it.
yeah, but I figure a few well-placed 32-pound cannonballs will bring 'em around.
and then the cash flows in, eh?
it's fairly foolproof, way I see it.
no doubt.

Home Improvement

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Fri, 08 Mar 2019 21:44:02 +0000

honeyj has posted:

guess what, edna. I put a down payment on our dream house!
wonderful, stanleyl! when can we move in?
very soon. it just needs a little fixing up.
ok. are the curtains nice?
well, no. there's no curtains. and, in fact, no windows either, actually.
no windows? is it. . . . livable?
not really. but it's got a great view, I promise. and it's heavily fortified against attack too.
what. . . ?
take it from me: that was a strong selling point.
I'm sure it was, stanley.

Product Placement

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Mon, 21 Jan 2019 16:01:31 +0000

honeyj has posted:

any news, perkins?
nothing's gone in or come out, sir.
how about on the radio?
no word yet. wait a minute! I'm getting something!
what is it?
oh my god! it's the most awful screaming! it sounds like manic banshees from hell!
great! the product run-out is a smash.
product?
they found the new double-stuffed chocolate cookies. they're killing themselves over them.
and that's. . . good?
we definitely have a hit, perkins. the board will go ape.
what about the. . . er, casualties, sir?
what about them? stay in your lane, perkins.
yes, sir. of course, sir.

Agent Orange

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sat, 19 May 2018 15:50:24 +0000

honeyj has posted:

another message from the KGB, prime minister.
what about, sergei?
agent orange, sir.
didn't the amerikanskis stop using that defoliant years ago?
not the chemical, sir, our mole in the white house.
ah, yes. such a perfect and ridiculous alias. well, what about him? still up to his usual tricks?
he never stops, sir. he knows his debt to you can never be repaid.
so reliable. has he learned to spell yet?
not even close. he just mis-typed the opposition as the 'democratic panty.'
ha ha! how freudian.
such a moron.
our moron, right sergei?
bigly, sir. believe me.

Stockade

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Fri, 30 Mar 2018 21:23:05 +0000

honeyj has posted:

what are all these civilians doing here, corporal?
civilians? they're, ah, tourists, captain. sir.
tourists? in this military facility? ridiculous!
ah, yes sir. we're, ah, decommissioned, sir.
what? on whose orders? we could be under siege at any moment! that's why we have our cannons trained on the. . . on the. . . . where the hell are all our cannons?
um, probably taken to a museum? or melted down? or something.
why wasn't I informed of this!?
it's all on the fort's web site, sir.
web site, did you say? what's a web site? I want those cannons back. AND our cannon balls! do you understand me, corporal?
yes, sir. can't have one without the other, sir. I guess.
the very idea! send a telegram! President Hayes needs to be informed! what is this world coming to?

City Lights

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Wed, 14 Mar 2018 02:05:26 +0000

honeyj has posted:

I want to be a beatnik when I grow up.
forget it, man. you're a hippie.
yeah? far out!

Life of Crime

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sun, 04 Feb 2018 18:33:59 +0000

honeyj has posted:

I called this meeting to discuss the plan.
are we all set?
we are.
is it dangerous?
very.
good thing we have a secure hide-out.
you can thank me for that anytime.
I will.
our tunnel is now only inches below the surface.
and once we break through?
the Secret Service will go nuts.
for giving the White House a second shit hole?
when you put it like that, maybe not.

Rebel Without a Clue

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Tue, 21 Nov 2017 23:04:11 +0000

honeyj has posted:

would you help me move some rocks?
where?
from the front to the back.
again? didn't I just help you with that?
yes, but now I want to move them back to the front, you see. turn and turn about.
what will you do in the back?
oh, I'll move other rocks there.
from the front?
oh no. from the side.
will you have to replace those as well?
oh yes. from the other side. turn and turn about.
of course. staying busy, are you?
would you like to hear what I do with the stones in my pockets?
no, but thanks just the same.

Stupidity is Contagious

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sun, 17 Sep 2017 19:16:02 +0000

honeyj has posted:

good morning, herr doktor.
ah, there you are, my boy. just in time to help with my latest research.
sure. what is it?
I'm measuring the amount of relative pain one suffers while gazing at an ugly picture, as opposed to a pretty picture, while at the same time being shot by a high-powered laser beam.
what? that'll hurt!
exactly the point, my boy. now sit here. I'll just strap you in. for comfort!
can it cause permanent damage?
who knows! I've never used a laser this big before!
how did you come up with this idea?
from reading a study whether it would be physically possible for a person to run across the surface of a pond, if both the person and the pond were on the moon! isn't science exciting?!
more and more every day.