Contributions of the group UrbEx / BurbEx (Urban & Suburban Exploration)

Creationism

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Thu, 16 Jul 2026 19:55:17 +0000

honeyj has posted:

How are you today, lord?
What's up, archangel?
It's about your people, lord.
Which people?
On Earth, lord. Remember it?
Yes. I was still experimenting with the creation thing back then.
Right. Well, it is becoming evident that the humans' time there is about up.
You think?
Yes. They've over-populated and stripped the planet with never-ending short-sighted greed.
Too bad for them. I gave them brains. Let them fix it.
But they can't agree on anything, lord.
Then they'll end up in the toilet, won't they?
What do you think about providing a little guidance?
Oh, ok. You can send a few messengers. Carry my word.
What should they tell humankind?
Just this: wise up or die. How's that?
Simple. Direct. Will they understand?
You mess with my trees, my lakes and rivers, watch your butt.
Yes, lord.
I am no supreme being to be fooled with, no way.
Of course, lord.
And only idiots crap in the bed in which they sleep. Now go. I'm busy working on a little 4th dimension thing.
Oh?
Yeah, they're gonna love it on Arcturus.
They will sing your praises, I'm sure.
Whatever. But those idiot humans? You tell them: they break it, they own it.
Yes lord.

Armored Division

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Tue, 07 Jul 2026 03:45:12 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Are you ready for a walk, Stanley?
I am, Edna, let's go.
Ok. I'll just put on my sandals.
Uh, actually, do you have work boots?
Work boots?
Preferably steel-toed. And a helmet.
To go for a walk?
It's just a suggestion, Edna.
Maybe I should grab a flak jacket too?
Armored, if you have one.
This walk sounds like it'll be dreamy.
That's one way to put it.

Fifth Column

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Wed, 01 Jul 2026 17:12:46 +0000

honeyj has posted:

What's the latest on our American asset, Yevgeny?
He continues to follow our instructions, Vlad.
It's remarkable how reliable he's been all these years.
Especially given his, how shall I say it?
Complete lack of any redeeming qualities?
That's accurate.
A person so stupid as to think he's a genius?
That too.
Who ran for office just to stay out of jail; punish his enemies, and steal money?
Plus one more: to avoid destruction if we release what we've got on him.
Always a powerful incentive, eh, Yevgeny?
So powerful it works on his whole fucking family.
I know. You can't make this stuff up.

Cold Warrior

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sat, 04 Jul 2026 19:39:57 +0000

honeyj has posted:

What are you reading, Stanley?
Oh, hi, Edna. Our beloved leader has suddenly discovered a grave threat to national security and the very existence of our nation!
Really? What's that?
It's the commies!
Now? Where have they been these last several years?
He apparently believes they've been hiding in the Reflecting Pool all this time! Can you believe it? What a genius!
Algae Qaeda, eh?
Who woulda thought?

Art of the Deal

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Fri, 03 Jul 2026 21:00:10 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Hello, madam.How are you today?
Fine. Whaddya want?
We are here to make sure you are satisfied with your new wallpaper.
I don't know. There's something about the place that don't seem the same.
What exactly is that?
Take a look.
Ok. Um. . . where are the walls?
I was about to ask you that question.They seem to have disappeared, along with the wallpaper.
Yes, well, ah, might we suggest a slight, ah, reduction of your bill.
Good idea.
In fact, maybe we should just forget that we ever met.
Deal.

Illuminati

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Wed, 01 Jul 2026 05:34:44 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Dude. let's grab some java.
Can't man. I got a meeting to go to.
What meeting?
Don't tell anyone. I joined the Illuminati.
Never heard of 'em.
It's very secret. You know. Underground.
Yeah? And they let a slacker like you join?
I saw their ad on Facebook.
That sounds so. . . secret.
Very. Only cost me 100 bucks!
Is that all?
Yeah! Cool, right?
For sure.

Extended Warranty

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Fri, 26 Jun 2026 05:48:40 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Thank you for your purchase, sir. I'm sure they will give you years of reliable service.
I'm excited to use them. Oh, by the way. How long is the warranty?
Well, let's see. What time is it?
It's 11:05.
How about that? Your warranty. . . just ran out! Have a nice day.

Feng Shui

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Tue, 16 Jun 2026 20:32:25 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Edna, I think it's time we thought about redecorating.
Why Stanley? Our house has such an old retro look.
Frankly, dear, I'm afraid it's a little too old, and a little too retro.
Do you really think so?
I'm pretty sure, Edna.

Dog Eat Dog

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Fri, 12 Jun 2026 19:16:30 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Hey, Larry. Man, you look awful!
Eddie, I just had the worst night of my life.
The boys wondered why you didn't make the poker game. What happened to you?
I was outside around midnight, minding my own business, when I got grabbed by the back of my neck and dragged into a hole!
Jesus! By who?
By that asshole wolf down the street, Butch. I thought I was a goner, man.
How'd you escape?
He dropped me in a corner and I played dead. When he turned, I hightailed it out of there!
Good thinking.
It's a dog-eat-dog world out there man.
It totally is. Good thing we're rabbits, eh?
Damn straight. Got a carrot I can borrow?
Sure man.
Cool.

Everybody Knows

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Wed, 10 Jun 2026 18:51:05 +0000

honeyj has posted:

What's new, Donny?
It's great: I am in the clear!
Clear of what?
The files. Or what's in them. I blocked them from being released, as only I was able to do.
Uh huh. So you benefit from what, exactly?
You see? I can't go down for what nobody knows. Of course it's fake news bullshit anyway.
Sure.
The economy is the envy of the world! It's a golden age!
And, uh, the war? Remember that?
Wow! Look at the time! Gotta date with the first tee! Catch you later, ok?
Right. By the way: everybody knows. E-v-e-r-y-b-o-d-y.
Knows what?
Forget it.

Failure to Launch

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Tue, 09 Jun 2026 03:39:47 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Corporal! Start the countdown!
Yes General. Countdown starting now! 10-9-8. . .
Those scurvy dogs will never again insult our national pride!
3-2-1. . .
Fire the missiles! At last! our manifest destiny will be fulfilled!
Uh, General. We have. . . er, we have a problem.
What do you mean? Speak up!
The missiles did not launch, General.
What? Why not?
Um, it seems that someone, er. . . forgot to load the silos. Sir.
You mean to tell me there are no missiles in there?
Affirmative, sir. Do you want me to go get them?
Do I want. . . Yes! Immediately!
Ok sir. Can I. . . can I borrow your car?
Borrow my car? To get the missiles? Idiot!
I forgot my bus pass. I guess I could walk. Back by dinnertime.
Tonight?
Maybe tomorrow.
The White House is not gonna like this.

Flux Capacitor

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Mon, 08 Jun 2026 15:46:00 +0000

honeyj has posted:

The machine is ready, Herr Doktor.
Excellent my boy! Throw the switch!
Ok. Oh my god! Doktor! What's that awful vibration?!
Hah! My theory is correct! In seconds this structure will cease to exist altogether! At least in this dimension!
It will? But. . . but. . . what about us?
You mean you. My protective shield insulates me from the machine's effects. Brilliant, eh? Haha!
And. . . me?
You? Hmmm. Maybe I'll figure out how to bring you back one day.
Back? Fom where?
Who knows! But wherever it is, have a nice trip! I love science!

Trouble Is My Middle Name

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Thu, 04 Jun 2026 04:05:32 +0000

honeyj has posted:

I'll take a few questions. Yes, you.
Mr. President, how do you justify starting a war costing billions of dollars and thousands of lives, with no plan and no endgame strategy, while disrupting the world economy and loss of any remaining trust from what were once America's allies?
That is a nasty question. You are a stupid person and should not have that job.
Yeah, thanks. Will you now answer the question?
What is your name?
You answer the question and I'll tell you my name. Fair?
You are gonna be in deep deep trouble.
Well, if you must know, trouble is my. . . take a guess.

Darwin Award

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sun, 24 May 2026 02:54:15 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Holy shit, Purvis. Did you see that?
What, man?
Something or somebody just flew past the window!
Damn. Musta been Curly
Why Curly?
Oh, he said he was gonna do some skateboarding on the roof.
What?! That's insane! The roof is half gone!
Yeah. I told him. Said it was a challenge. Said he was up to it.
Well it appears he exceeded it.
Yeah. I'm sure he's proud of that.
No doubt.

Tourist Destination

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Thu, 21 May 2026 03:04:42 +0000

honeyj has posted:

I'd like a room, please. On a higher floor, with a nice view.
Yes, sir. We have many interesting, ah, views here. Would you like running water?
Well of course!
It comes in through the window openings just fine.
Openings?
As well as the roof, what's left of it.
I'm not sure I know what to say. What kind of bed does it have?
Bed? Well, there was a mattress. . . once. Somewhat charred.
Sounds delightful. Do you get many guests here?
Well, it is the tourist season.
So you're booked?
With you here? Definitely.

Too Rolling Stoned

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sun, 17 May 2026 20:38:18 +0000

honeyj has posted:

You know, Earl, one of these days we're gonna make something of ourselves.
Whaddya mean, Cletis? You don't think we already have?
Look around you, man. You tell me. Is this the best we can do?
I dunno. I'm, you know, comfortable.
Earl. Put the crack pipe down and then answer the question.
Gee, do I gotta?
I guess not.
You wanna hit?
No thanks.

Matter of Time

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sat, 16 May 2026 18:30:41 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Good morning, Herr Doktor.
Yes, my boy. Very good. You are the first to witness my latest invention. A time machine! Isn't that amazing?
Really?
Just sit here. Mind the sharp edges, heh heh.
How does it work?
Oh, it's technical. I'm sending you back 5 minutes into the past. It's harmless! And you'll be able to meet yourself walking in the door, or where there used to be a door.
Are you sure?
I haven't exacted the calibrations just yet. So it might be a little more than 5 minutes.
How much more?
Who knows! 5 years? 5,000 years?
What!?
Science! See you earlier! Maybe!

Vice Squab

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Tue, 12 May 2026 03:40:35 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Detective, I'm assigning a murder case to you. It's a big one. Don't screw it up.
You can count on me, Captain. What's the scoop?
The victim was found in an abandoned factory on the east side. An eyewitness described the perp as small in stature, somewhat plump, likely a juvenile.
Anything else?
Yeah. It's a bird.
A what?
Matches the description of a known pigeon.
A stool pigeon? One of our CIs?
No, not a criminal informant.. A bird. The kind with wings.
So he pecked the victim to death and then flew the coop? Ha ha!
This is no joke. We want this monster.
I'll need a team, sir.
Who you got in mind.
Fabrizio, Murphy and Jones.
I get it: an owl and 2 cats. Good thinking. I'll have them seconded from animal control.
Order them not to eat anything until the get the guy, er, bird, ok sir?
Dead or alive.
I'm sure that'll motivate 'em.

Sleep Deprivation

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Fri, 08 May 2026 04:10:32 +0000

honeyj has posted:

How'd you end up on my side of the bed?
What? This isn't your side.
I was sleeping there! I can't sleep on this side! How'd I end up here?
What difference does it make? You're asleep!
I slept terrible!. All because of you!
You don't think the cat lying on your face had anything to do with it?
The cat?
She looked so content, I didn't want to move her.
She was content because this is her side!
Your cat has a side of the bed?
I'd rather not answer that question.
Understandable.

Neophobia

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Wed, 29 Apr 2026 21:32:30 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Hey man, how's it going?
I'm good.
I'm just checking up on you. See if you need anything to fix up your place.
Nope, I'm set.
Really? Because it looks like you could use some new stuff in here.
New? No man. The last thing I want is anything that's, you know, "new."
Ok. Well, how about "functional?" Not to go completely overboard, but what do you think about that?
Hmmm. You may be onto something there.