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Make My Day

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sat, 22 Aug 2026 04:24:31 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Guess what, lord?
I can't imagine, archangel.
I just bought a car.
You didn't! Whatever for? You can fly wherever you like.
Well, I was passing through New Jersey, and. .
Don't say it. No. Please.
Yes, I got a spam email from Ba'al, and opened it.
You know he's a total thief!
Yes yes. But he offered me a great deal on this car.
Oy vey. Well, what did you buy?
A cream-colored, '59 Cadillac convertible. With fins!
Sweet machine. But I'm sure you were raped.
He's letting me pay over time.
Don't do it! The interest will be astronomical!
Hmmm. I didn't think of that.
He's totally amoral! Don't you remember Canaan?
Yes, he was out of control, wasn't he.
Absolutely! Even forgetting the virgins!
Well, you put him in his place, lord.
Yes, but I know I'm going to have to step in here.
Oh, not at all.
Somebody has to protect the defenseless consumer.
You are truly amazing, lord.
Well, I've been called worse.
By those who are no longer around.
True. Very true.

Entropy

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Fri, 21 Aug 2026 19:14:17 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Hey Vern, let's go for a walk.
I'd love to, Leon, but something is telling me that's not a good idea.
Whaddya mean? It's a beautiful day!
Oh, just a feeling, that maybe this isn't the best place for that.
Geez. I don't know what gives you that impression.
It's subtle. Totally me. Don't worry about it.

Thaumatology

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sun, 16 Aug 2026 18:24:37 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Am I in the right church?
All are welcome here, brother.
That's good. I need to pray to my patron saint.
Which one is that?
Oh, St. Debtfree.
I don't believe I've heard of that one.
Yes, he's the patron saint of deadbeats.
Aren't you referring to St. Bernardine of Siena?
Well I tried him. He told me I was worthless.
Oh, I'm sure he didn't.
Yeah, he loaned me 50 bucks. I welched.
So now you want to pray to St Debtfree?
Yeah, to get Bernardine off my back. That guy doesn't quit.
So now. . .
Now I need a miracle.

Not Jersey

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sun, 16 Aug 2026 17:10:05 +0000

honeyj has posted:

I'll take it. Wrap it up for me.
Wrap what up, sir?
You know, the building. I'll take it.
But sir, it's a building. And it's not for sale.
You're not listening. I want it. I'm taking it.
You're not from around here, are you?
No, I'm from Jersey. Why?
This building is a beloved art deco icon.
Yeah? So?
So I suggest you walk out quietly. While you can.
Oh do you?
A few of my friends will be right behind you.
Right. I see your point. It should stay here. But I'll come back and visit, ok?
Please do. And be careful out there. This is Detroit.
Yeah?
Yeah, not Jersey.

Indoor Gardening

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sat, 15 Aug 2026 20:35:49 +0000

honeyj has posted:

What the hell is growing in here?
It's for me. I'm going on a macro-biotic diet.
No way.
100% vegan. Nuts and berries.
But this place is totally polluted! This stuff could have, I dunno, cellular mutations!
Hey, mutate this. I've got a garden now. got it?
Whatever. I'm gonna go get a hotdog. Want one?
Sure, bring back two, with fries and a coke.
Vegan, eh?
It's close enough.
So, chili on the dogs?
You have to ask?

Downturn

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Thu, 13 Aug 2026 19:38:50 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Edna, darling, I have something to tell you.
Yes, Stanley?
I'm concerned about our investments.
Really? Should I be worried?
Well, as you may have heard, the economy is a bit. . . rocky at the moment. Actually, it's a little out of control and scary.
Oh dear! But that won't affect our holiday cruise to the islands, will it?
Well, we may have to stick to the Caymans and West Indies, I'm afraid.
And miss South America? How will I break it to the servants in Rio and Buenos Aires?
We must all make sacrifices, my dear. I hate to do it, but, regrettably, I'm letting them go.
You are such a benevolent man, Stanley.
I try, Edna.

Toxic Waste

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Thu, 13 Aug 2026 04:09:06 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Hey! Whaddya think you're doing? You can't dump that crap in here!
No?
No!
Well, thing is, I got a permit sez I can.
Oh yeah? Lemme see it
See this.
Whoa! Don't point that permit at me! I agree already.
Thought you would.

Space Invaders

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Wed, 12 Aug 2026 05:00:29 +0000

honeyj has posted:

This is a funny place to put a gateway.
Not so funny. It suits our needs.
When does the portal appear again?
Any second now. We are expecting a visitor.
From Arcturus? Home? Wow.
Yes, and he will be thrilled at our progress.
He will also be hungry, no doubt.
Undoubtedly, and there is plenty to eat on this planet.
You said it! And they transform so easily.
Their cellular structure is very adaptable.
Can I see how it works?
You are looking at it right now. All around you.
All I see is abandoned steel and junk.
Clever disguise, isn't it?
You mean. . .
Yes, this is how we store the humans for shipment home.
Damn! There's old factories like this all over the world!
Yes, lots of humans to harvest here.
Don't they notice?
It's just a broken-down old factory to them. Of no value.
If they only knew.
But they never will. Clueless, ignorant, self-centered creatures.
But cute, in their own way.
Don't let our visitor hear you say that. You'll find yourself missing a few eye stalks. Earthlings are food; not pets.
Got it. Thanks for the tip.
Don't mention it.

I Eat What I Kill

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Tue, 11 Aug 2026 19:14:23 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Hey, Virgil, did you know we're all made of stars.
Yeah? But what about this place, Egon? Is it made of stars too?
Beats me. I'll ask my attorney.
How is she gonna know?
She knows everything.
No kidding?
And she bills me for it too.

La Dolce Vita

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Mon, 10 Aug 2026 04:03:34 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Get your dancing shoes, Edna, we're going out!
Oh Stanley! You're taking me dancing?
I got the raise. And the promotion. We are celebrating!
Wonderful! Maybe now we can fix up a few things around the house? What do you think?
Sure sure. But tonight: we live it up!
I mean, I know I've been nagging, but just a window pane or two, would finally be nice, you know?
Yessir! Gonna live the dream! Feets: do your stuff!
Stanley? Is it too much to ask for glass in even one window in winter? Am I talking to myself?
Look out! Gonna bring my fox trot! Cha cha too!

Great Moments in Science, Part 4

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sat, 08 Aug 2026 16:22:27 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Good morning, Herr Doktor.
Ah, there you are my boy. Please sit here.
What are we doing today?
You are participating in a monumental, groundbreaking experiment, the results of which will forever change the world!
Wow. What's the experiment?
To put it simply so you will understand: the dissemination of sexually-transmitted diseases through an inflatable doll!
Sexually. . . ?
Are you, eh, a virgin, by any chance?
Well, uh, I guess so.
Excellent! Here, blow this up.
Ok. Wait, are you holding a needle?
Not to worry! It's only a small injection.
Inject. . . . Am I going to get sick?
Who knows? That's why they invented penicillin! No permanent damage (I think)!

ETA

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Fri, 07 Aug 2026 18:43:46 +0000

honeyj has posted:

What time's the next flight?
Fight?
Yeah, you know, the next plane.
You think a plane is going to land here?
Well, yeah! This is the terminal, isn't it?
Sure. You could call it that, if you want.
Say, you got some heavy-duty luggage there. Kinda looks like cut-off steel i-beams. Curious. How the hell did you manage to drag all that in here?
Oh it was already. . . I mean, yeah, it was difficult!
So you're waiting for a plane?
Uh. . . sure! Just like you!
Cool. Well I'm gonna find where to check my bags. You need help with. . . that?
Un, no! Thanks. I got it. But watch out for the collapsed, I mean lowered, ceiling in the. . . uh, check-in area. Must be doing, you know, renovations.
Seems like a lot of it.
It does! Gotta stay up-to-date, I guess.
It's all about service, right?
Totally!

It's Not Working

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Fri, 07 Aug 2026 17:58:59 +0000

honeyj has posted:

What time's lunch, Eddie?
Looks like another 2 hours, Sy.
That can't be possibel! We've been here forever already!
That's true, isn't it. Well, shit! Look at that. The goddamn timeclock ain't working. We shoulda had lunch long ago!
Well what time is it then?
Lemme ask my phone. Oh my god! It says it's tomorrow!
You mean lunch?
No, you idiot! It means we been here all night and now it's tomorrow!
Gee. Well what time's lunch?

Spiritual Priorities

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Thu, 06 Aug 2026 17:32:12 +0000

honeyj has posted:

See you later, archangel. I'm heading out.
Oh? Where to lord?
My favorite place on Earth! Maybe the cosmos!
I know where that is!
I've got a spot all picked out, right on the beach.
Cool.
I might even have a few of the old crowd come visit.
Yeah?
Zeus, Thor, you know, those guys. I might convince Aphrodite to come if I butter her up enough.
She's a cutie!
Totally. But the most important thing I gotta bring. . .
Let me guess: sand toys?
Keee-rectamundo! Can't forget them.
We all have our spiritual priorities, don't we lord?
We do. Some of which are even worth mentioning.

Launch Codes (Коды запуска)

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Mon, 03 Aug 2026 20:42:14 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Which one is it, sire?
The tall one, over there.
How can you tell?
I know. I designed it.
No kidding? It might as well be invisible.
That's the idea.
Disguised as a building. How cool is that?
It's ancient technology now, of course.
Yes, but these humans. . .
Have not a single clue. They've never spotted us. We launch at dawn, finally going home.
So exciting! It makes my tentacles positively quiver!
Yes, I heard that about you, Kevin.
Um. . . you did?
After centuries on this rock, I don't need your icky messes to fuck it up now. So stifle those leaks. It's disgusting! You follow?
I do, sire. I totally do.

Grey Flannel

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Mon, 03 Aug 2026 04:42:46 +0000

honeyj has posted:

May I help you?
Oh, hi. Name's Parts. Otto Parts. I just got out of the Army, I'm reporting for work. It's my first day.
You were in the Army? What rank?
Uh, Private.
Private Parts. I see. And you say you're working here now?
Uh, yes! I was hired into the, uh, Marketing Department.
Got it. Nice suit. Is that your only one?
Ha ha. Yeah.
Great. Well, marketing is a little slow right now. You are definitely over-dressed.
I am?
For what you're gonna do? Absolutely. Tell you what. Grab that blowtorch and head up to 6. You'll find some steel support columns that need cutting.
Cutting? Like all the way through?
You're so quick! Don't set yourself on fire, and don't fall into a hole in the floor.
Ok.
If the ceiling starts to buckle like it's gonna collapse due to a lack of structural support. . .
Yes?
Don't forget to duck.

The (Remains of the) Hole in the Wall Gang

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sun, 02 Aug 2026 20:08:52 +0000

honeyj has posted:

We headed into those rocks up ahead, Jake?
Yep. This here's gonna be our new hideout, Clem. That posse will never find us in these canyons.
Hope not. They're pretty good trackers, I hear.
We ain't a-gonna leave no hoof prints on these rocks, so let 'em try. We'll camp out in here for the night, make our getaway in the morning. Sound good?
Ok by me.
One thing, though, pardner I been meanin' to ask: what's that there fancy-lookin' gadget you got hanging off your saddle?
This here? Why it's a GPS device.
A what?
GPS. Global Positioning System. A veritable miracle of modern science and ingenuity!
What's it do?
Well, you see, this here little fella sends a signal to the low-orbit satellite, on account of which it always knows exactly where I am, anywhere on Earth. Yessir, it's positively foolproof and means I cain't never get lost.
You don't say.
Moreover, if someone needs to find me, well then,. . . uh, needs to. . . uh. . .find. . . me. . .
Are you sayin' what I think you're sayin', Clem?
Dammit, Jake! I reckon this ain't such a great hideout after all.
You know something, Clem? I miss the 19th century. I surely do.
Me too, pardner. Me too.

Virgin Sacrifice On Acid

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sat, 01 Aug 2026 21:57:49 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Slave! I need you!
Yes, my lord, Ba'al.
Where are my virgins? I'm expecting them to parade before me!
Momentarily, lord.
And are they. . . um. . . suitably excited?
Naturally, lord. Who wouldn't want to fulfill their life by being sacrificed to you?
True, true.
One thing, though. They want to. . . take LSD first.
They what?
In order to lose their minds, they say.
So as to improve the experience, I assume?
I'm sure, lord.
Their devotion to me is so gratifying.
It goes without saying, o beloved one.
Indeed. But you can say it anyway.
Of course, lord.

Working Class Hero

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Sat, 01 Aug 2026 04:41:50 +0000

honeyj has posted:

Hey Diego, What's up.
So, Edsel Ford, you know, Henry's kid? He wants me to paint some museum walls for him in the D.
Yeah? What's it gonna be?
I'm thinking it'll be about creating stuff from the fruits of the earth, Detroit industry, and the workers who make everything.
Sounds amazing. You think a big industrialist like him will go for art from a commie pinko like you?
We'll see, won't we. But my wife Frida, she likes the idea.
Ms. Kahlo is gonna be there too?
Oh yeah. She'll be painting her own stuff.
Great! Wouldn't it be nice if she makes it one day, like you have?
That would be very cool, yeah.
Kind of an unexpected bonus, like.
Yeah, maybe.

Rocket Science

nobody@ipernity.com (honeyj) — Wed, 29 Jul 2026 20:46:44 +0000

honeyj has posted:

I couldn't live here.
Who's asking you to?
Oh, I was just anticipating your next question.
Yeah? What am I gonna ask you now?
Am I hungry?
Keeee-rect! What's your answer?
I'm starved.
Me too. Let's eat.
Well that was easy.
Hey, it's not rocket science, you know.